| another tantrum... this time it felt pretty legitimate though. when i left for work yesterday, my mom was meeting with the real estate lady, walking through the house and such. When I came home after a decent night (somewhat), there was a sign staked into my front yard. I sat in my car and thought, "this is dumb. no one will be able to see this sign until i leave." and the symbolism was overwhelming. i burst into tears. i feel like that part in alladin where the monkey touches that big jewel and everything starts to collapse. alladin is jumping on one hot coal after another, and the one behind him keeps disappearing. i'm at this huge junction in my life, but my old life is disappearing. my mom keeps saying that i need to have my own room when i leave for college, but she doesn't understand that my room is here... the place i've lived for seven years (longer than anywhere else). this new place won't ever be my home... and that makes me sad, because i don't think that my dorm will be either. it's going to be so upsetting to be homesick next year, because i won't have that home that i'm missing.
until another month or so,
nicole |
| |
| i didn't get into UT Business. i know it wasn't for sure, but i really felt like it would have worked out. most things in my life have. i've been crying a lot since last night. my mom says that i shouldn't take it that seriously, but how can i not? this is only my life in question. i've never felt so bad about being in the top 4 percent of my class. i feel like i'm not good enough... i could go to baylor where business is ranked like 60 in the country... and pay three times as much in tuition. or i could really put all my eggs in one basket and apply for an internal transfer... 68 percent of applicants are accepted. i emailed ms. nelson, and then her two daughters who were in the same boat.
it's so frustrating because everything has been so perfect this year... i've met and surpassed every goal that i've set... the most frustrating aspect is that my work ethic has been inspired by the fear that i would one day wake up and think "i should have worked harder." well... that's today. i feel like who i am and who i will be is represented by the number "29" and that that's too far down the list, so i'm not going to ever be good enough to achieve any of my goals. it's ridiculous to think that that's all that my future is based on.
i threw such a "fuck ut" fit last night. it was so childish. i thought, "i don't want to be somewhere where i don't feel like i'm good enough." it's absurd to think that i'm questioning all the work i've ever done and all the intelligence i've ever had has been brought into question by ut. i realized that i still have to go. i have to go and prove myself. i have to transfer. i can't give up... because that's only proving that they were right in not accepting me. i have to make a 3.7, which is all they will take into account for transfers. i won't be able to graduate in three years. oh well. |
| |
| you're the only song i want to hear. gorgeous.
quote outline. not. |
| |
| today is a good day.
i got my first paycheck from cici's. i bought some chocolate covered cherries. my mom and jeff said i could do a foreign exchange this summer.
i talked to the foreign exchange guy. he's sending me the stuff tomorrow. yay. |
| |
| i took a yoga class today. it was serene. |
| |
